In January, I’ll be releasing my fifth fiction book. I’m pretty proud of that. Typing it out is a bit surreal because there was a point where I wondered if I really could write book after book after book – which is sort of what you have to do if want to establish a career as a writer (this is still a work in progress, by the way).
The “Goddess Game” Season
I have been editing my upcoming novel, Goddess Game, for the past month. It has been a lot more work than I was expecting. Some threads in the story began to change, one disappeared. Some character personalities became a little more defined. More ideas popped up to include that I am trying to resist, but they may prove to be irresistible.
In short, I don’t feel like it is finished quite yet and I have a decent amount of work that I want to do on it.
But here’s the thing: I am not worried about it in the least because…
This is my fifth book, y’all! This is how it works for me.
I have uncovered my method, how I work, how the story rolls out.
The Process Reveals Itself
Each time I got to this point on my previous books, I had a moment where I wondered if I was going to be able to really get it all ready. And, every time, when I sat down to get it done, the words showed up, the stories grew into what they needed to be.
That’s where I am with Goddess Game. The story is in a final tweaking stage. I keep going through it chapter by chapter and it feels like it is becoming more of what it should be with each pass. In the next couple of passes, it should just need some beta reading for feedback. And proofreading, of course.
My Writing Method
I’m not a “pantser” when it comes to writing (tried it and it doesn’t work great for me).
I have an idea, I develop a theme and characters from that, and then I start outlining. It is a much longer process than that one sentence hints at, but having a system to get me that far helps me feel confident when I start writing.
And once I have that framework built up enough, the surprise ideas that my psyche has been holding out on me start to show up. I love that part.
I also love that I don’t feel stressed out around writing. The confidence is a little disconcerting because it is still newish, but because it is based on past experience I have no issue trusting in it and myself.
For the Writers Reading This
If you don’t do the work, you won’t get the experience you need to have this type of confidence. It’s okay if your work is not perfect. You’ll get better. Guaranteed.
If this speaks to you, let it sink in and take root in your creative soul…and then get to work. 😊
I love that journal writing was strongly encouraged when I was young. I have writings all the way back to when I was in junior high.
Nowadays, it’s easier than ever to go into a digital folder and read through my past entries. I call them “morning pages” and use this journaling as a way to clear my mind before working on a project. Today, I decided to review what I was writing at this time last year as so much has changed in my life since that time.
Then and Now
One thing that stood out was that I had just finished “The Resurrection Incident,” which I would publish late in December of last year. I was already planning to work on “Sentenced” as my next project. I had pondered working on “Goddess Game” and was even thinking of publishing it under a pen name as it is for adults and not my usual young adult age range.
This is interesting because I am close to finishing “Goddess Game” right now and plan to have it in the hands of beta readers within the week. It is a nice reminder that I am able to keep producing books. I don’t live with a concern that I won’t be able to finish. That’s kinda an important part for me in starting a writing career.
My confidence comes from the fact that I do enough preliminary work on the novel that I have no fear about getting it done. The writing of it just takes time. And, sometimes new ideas grow out of the actual writing. That is what really makes it fun!
A Life Realignment
Something else that stood out in my last-year journaling was that I had an internal/external battle going on with wanting to shift my life situation and not seeing a great way to do that. It is a bit wild to me how things began to shift from November of last year to February of this year (when I gave my notice at my job with a resignation date at the beginning of April).
Things took the biggest turn when my husband came home from his morning ruck on January 1st this year and said that maybe we should move to South Carolina. This was a surprising suggestion as we had determined in the past that we would probably stay in Raleigh, North Carolina or move towards the North Carolina mountains if we wanted a change. However, once that mental adjustment was made to South Carolina, lots of things began falling into place.
I called my mom and told her our plans and asked her to be on the lookout for a house for us (we were looking online, but my mom was local and it seems like she knows everybody). Turns out that my mom’s sister was planning to sell her house – it wasn’t even on the market yet – and when we came to look at it, it was perfect. From there, my husband and I were able to make everything else work and moved down to our new home in April of this year.
From Maze to Magic
These days, I’m more grateful than ever for where I am in life. I have a graphic that I made with a completed maze that says “You know the way, enjoy the journey.” This idea occurred to me one day and I want to stay present to it. I have it sublimated on the mousepad at my computer as well.
I have a tendency to think through everything and plan it all out and make a reminder list I can check off. And that certainly has its place. I can also see that when I open up to allow things beyond my control to show up, magic occurs that is even better than I imagined.
I’m glad I had the nudge to look back at my writings. I’m glad my husband and I fearlessly (ok, maybe we were a little nervous) ventured forth down a new path because it was not apparent it was going to happen at this time last year.
It makes me wonder what is beyond other areas I feel nervous about. I am certainly curious and have my pokey stick on standby. 🙂
I had intended my novel “Goddess Game” to be released earlier this year in the fall, but I later recommitted to having it written by the end of the year. I had never assigned it a particular date up until that moment and, afterwards, getting it done became a little more real.
“Goddess Game” is a little different than my previous books in that it is written for middle-aged women – not teens or middle-graders. The idea for it got a hold on me and I really wanted to write it. I think the story is relatable and fun.
Thus, I declare my foray into chic lit! We’ll see how it goes.
Fiction Reflects Life (Or Is It the Other Way Around?)
It is interesting how often the things I am writing stories about have relevance in my life. When I was writing “Sentenced,” I felt like I was making decisions in my life that were showing up as either ticket games or talent games (i.e. money-oriented or soul-oriented if you haven’t read the story).
Now, I’m working on “Goddess Game” and seeing my own life reflected in much of what the main character, Bethany, is going through and learning. This development in my writing experience makes me a little wary of some of my upcoming book ideas. 😆
The Core Message of Goddess Game
The main theme of “Goddess Game” is that avoiding struggle may seem safe, but it leads to a life that doesn’t feel as satisfying as a life where you played fully and accepted losses and gains as both being wins. Loss is merely a lesson and that is a win because you gained knowledge and can use it going forward.
One of my favorite quotes is the last paragraph from “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” by Joseph Campbell:
“The modern hero, the modern individual who dares to heed the call and seek the mansion of that presence with whom it is our whole destiny to be atoned, cannot, indeed must not, wait for his community to cast off its slough of pride, fear, rationalized avarice, and sacrificed misunderstanding. ‘Live,’ Nietzsche says, ‘as though the day were here.’ It is not society that is to guide and save the creative hero, but precisely the reverse. And so every one of us shares the supreme ordeal – carries the cross of the redeemer – not in the bright moments of his tribe’s great victories, but in the silences of his personal despair.”
In my own life journey, I feel like I have tried to play it safe. Even with all the effort I have put in since April to create the foundation for my ideal life, I find that I hesitate in some areas that are important in truly making it all work.
Recently, I had the realization that maybe I don’t have to figure it all out myself. Perhaps it is time to partner with someone that actually knows what I would have to figure out by a lot of trial and error. So, I got that ball to rolling and everything was going really well until this past Saturday.
Cue My Dark Night of the Soul
I was sitting in the bed reading (part of my night routine) and I had this weird terror come across me. Was I taking too big of a step too soon? Should I somehow be more prepared? It was weird because even earlier that day I was confident that I would be able to meet my goals with no problem – just a little bit more focus and effort.
I was anxious enough that I decided to talk it out with my husband. I sort of hoped he would agree with me and then the pressure would be off. What happened instead was he looked at me and before I could even finish, he said. “No, you need to do this now.”
I was like, “Uh…you think so?”
And then he basically reminded me that I’ve put in the work, I’ve done my research, that I’ve reached a point in my journey where it makes sense to bring on others to help move me forward.
And then I realized what had happened and I smiled.
“Guess I’m having my dark night of the soul,” I said.
The Real Inner Villain
Really, I’ve done enough work that I did know that my inner villain was trying to win on this one. And sort of was winning. I recognized the fear as an indicator that I was about to step out of my comfort zone. That can lead to good things or not so good things and I was letting it get a grip on my mind.
Thankfully, I’m on this life journey with a pretty amazing partner.
So, am I still anxious? Yep.
Am I still going forward with my plans? Yep-yep.
Whether I win or lose, something new is available on the other side, and I’m ready to find out what it is.
There is an Isha Kriya Meditation where you inhale while thinking “I am not the body” and exhale while thinking “I am not even the mind.” You end with some “aums” and it is a nice, short reset for the day. I like to do it in the afternoon after I complete my yoga routine.
Even though I would agree that I am not the body, I do appreciate it and how it allows me to experience this life. Yoga has been my go-to over the years to get it tuned up after I have strayed from a disciplined path.
Flashback to My First Yoga Routine
I started doing yoga when I was nineteen and in college. I remember one of my professors talking about yoga as a spiritual process and I was all in. At that time in my life, I was rebelling against the religious doctrine I was raised in and hungry for options that felt more natural to me. The only problem was that in the mid to late 1990s, I didn’t really have a lot of yoga options to get me started. In those days, the public library was my main knowledge repository. It didn’t always offer up a lot as I was in a rural area, but it usually got me another step in the right direction.
The only book on yoga that I could find at that time was Richard Hittleman’s “Yoga: 28 Exercise Plan.” I love it and think the exercise plan is stellar. The only drawback is that it was published in 1969 and is certainly aimed at housewives so there is a lot of outdated weirdness about women and their roles referenced in the “thoughts for the day” sections. Otherwise, I find the program and the plan at the end so helpful that I cycled through the three routines every day for years before it began to fall out of habit.
What I love about Hittleman’s program is that after the three days, you have essentially stretched and massaged-by-movement all the parts of the body. That seems to do a body good.
Falling Out of Habit
It is interesting to note that the times when my body began to “thicken” and I had more weight than I liked or felt comfortable with was when I stopped doing this yoga program for long periods of time. I certainly felt this way after I went through basic law enforcement training (when I became a Park Ranger) and it seemed that there was no time or energy for that yoga program. I worked out and studied law. That was my life. I had to build up more muscle than I was used to.
I remember somebody telling me that I looked “swol” which has never actually been a goal of mine, but useful when you need to pass the Police Officer Physical Abilities Test. I never felt like I was able to establish any true routine after I became a Park Ranger and I didn’t even think about the missing yoga routines until I noticed my midsection thickening.
Now, I’m sure food, my age (over 40), stress, and other hereditary factors probably played a part in that, but the thicker I am, the less that I feel like myself. I also felt that my mobility was hindered by the extra-ness and that my body felt tight in general.
Back to Basics—with Breath and Stretch
Anyway, I’m not trying to sell anyone on this book (even though the plan is awesome!). Some folks might not even like it. (Sidenote: I never did a downward dog until I was in my 30s and finally attended an actual yoga class. That’s right – there are no downward dogs in that book! I do love the downward dog pose and am glad I came across it.)
In life, you learn to find what you like and piece things together in a way that works for you. I find myself coming back to Hittleman’s book and exercise plan as something foundational to my physical health and mobility.
When I began doing Shambhavi Mahamudra daily back in July, I really became aware of how tight my muscles had gotten and how I was limited in some of my stretching. The preliminary stretches I have to do prior to starting Shambhavi helped loosen up some of the tightness in my legs and lower back. I loved the improvement and sought more.
The first 40 days of Shambhavi Mahamudra I committed to and performed the kriya twice a day – in the morning and in the evening. After the 40 days, I was only required to do the kriya in the morning. However, since I was accustomed to preserving that time in the evening, I decided to fill it with the Hittleman yoga program. I started the book again as if I never did it before and have been working through the three day cycle plan as I did in my college days.
The Vehicle of Awareness
That was a lot of preface for this:
My body is my vehicle in this world and I know its chemistry can have an effect on my mood if I am not giving it the best fuel or keeping it maintained. It is a part of being a human that takes some effort to learn what works for you and what works against you. I’m still sorting through a lot and it can be difficult to isolate or decipher what causes what due to the overwhelming number of things that can affect the body.
Intuition can be a useful tool.
In short, I find that it is worth the work.
I am fascinated by and enjoy feeling the movement of muscles in my legs and arms and fingers and toes as I do things. There is so much that the body does on auto-pilot (breathing, pumping blood, digesting food, managing hormones and other internal chemistry). It is pretty freakin’ cool that we get to use it to experience this planet and interact with one another.
I am not the body, but I do love it, even in my sometimes perceived imperfection.
Well, eek! I missed my Tuesday posting this week. I thought I had something scheduled to post and I did not. It works out well, however, as I had a little adventure on Monday to share.
The Invitation
I received an email in August from Isha Foundation, letting me know that Sadhguru would be at the Isha Institute of Inner-sciences in Tennessee on September 23, 2024. I was immediately excited because Tennessee isn’t terribly far and having an opportunity to see Sadhguru in person seemed like a special treat that I might not have access to very often. The email stated that they would send out information about registering when details were available.
I began thinking about going and how to make it work. I spoke to my husband and he thought it would be cool for me to go. We looked at the distance and how long it would take to get to the Isha Institute in TN.
I had two routes.
One was an 8-hour drive that took me through Atlanta, GA. That wasn’t very appealing. (If you have ever driven in Atlanta traffic, you understand why.)
The other route took me through NC—which just so happened to take me through Maggie Valley, where my sisters and I co-own a camper we inherited from our grandmother.
The route through NC would take nearly 8 hours as well, but I could easily break it in half by leaving the day before, resting overnight at the camper, and then leaving early the next morning. This not only seemed doable, but ideal. So, I just had to wait for registration to open.
In the meantime, I watched a vlog to get a feel for what to expect when I got there. It all looked awesome. The certainty of going was forming, but I was also busy with projects and attempting to meet my deadlines and such.
Doubt Creeps In
When I received the registration email, I began to question whether I had time to make the trip.
Was it really necessary to see Sadhguru in person? My husband and I would have to figure out dog care. I would be going by myself and I have a history of falling asleep at the wheel if I am too tired – and I might get to that point since the event would last until 8 PM CST and I would still have to drive the 4 hours back to the camper. On and on, the reasons came to make me question myself. I was really close to not going.
I talked to my husband about it and my concerns. He reminded me how excited I had been when I learned about the opportunity. We talked through various possibilities, including me flying out instead of driving, but that just seemed like an over-complication of things.
Thankfully, I eventually realized that the life I am creating for myself had the freedom to do things like go see Sadhguru.
I registered, paid for two meals to eat there since I would be spending the entire day at the event. Everything else fell into place. My mom would come over to take care of Ridley (her grand-pupper) in the afternoon.
I felt very relaxed and calm Sunday before I left around 3 PM. The drive to Maggie Valley, NC, was smooth. I listened to an awesome podcast all the way there and enjoyed the feel of freedom and possibility that was unfolding around me. Breaking out of my routine felt like it was opening me up.
Ideas were flowing and I was getting excited about getting back to work after the event and putting these ideas into practice.
Arriving at Isha: A Day of Stillness and Surprise
Monday morning I woke up at 4 AM, completed my Shambhavi Mahamudra, showered, ate a light snack for breakfast, tanked up the car, and drove the 4 hours to McMinnville, TN.
My Day at Isha Institute of Inner-sciences:
Entering the Abode
I entered the Abode and sat on an available cushion and meditated with the others there. You could come and go as you wished. The Abode was filled with light incense and rhythmic chanting/singing. As I sat there, cross-legged and eyes closed, I wondered if I really belonged there. I had the thought that everyone around me was probably more in tune with themselves and better meditators. I let that idea go and just committed myself to staying there and enjoying the experience. When I finally left, I felt a stillness that I hadn’t noticed when I was sitting but became apparent when I was back in a crowd of people.
Silent Brunch
When I left the Abode, it was time for brunch, the first meal that I had purchased for the day. They had sliced cucumbers, a delicious soup, an apple, and some sort of thick pudding that was sweet and spicy at the same time. The meal was eaten in silence. I loved it.
Bluff Views and Cozy Conversations
I had a lot of time before any other events were happening, so I went for a walk to the bluffs. It was a decent incline to get to the top, but not too bad. I did have on a light long-sleeved shirt, though, and I began to feel quite warm. When I came down from the bluffs (it was a very pretty view), I found a spot to sit in the shade.
I took out a notebook and pen I had brought and made some notes about ideas I had and plans to implement. I didn’t do this for very long, though, because I felt drawn to just be present where I was and not get pulled back into my normal thinking. I had a wonderful conversation with someone who sat near me.
We talked for quite a while about a variety of inner-beingness topics. I feel terrible that I talked to her for so long and did not even get her name. I was quite inspired by her joyous nature and what she shared with me of her journey.
The Wait for Sadhguru
I decided to leave the safety of the shade to claim a spot in the garden where Sadhguru would be speaking from 6PM-8PM. It was still only 3:30PM at that time and I was tired, so I spent this time in a mix of resting and chatting occasionally with the people around me.
Darshan: A Presence Felt
When Sadhguru showed up, the change in the energy of the crowd was palpable.
Truly, I was almost more transfixed on what was going on with them than on his arrival – which I had to watch on a screen because we were sitting on a grassy hill and the people in front of me were standing and he wasn’t visible to me otherwise.
Several people began crying.
As everything settled, we all sat in silence for a while before he spoke. We were then inspired by the words of Sadhguru for 2.5 hours and, afterwards, he walked around the crowd with palms together as if blessing us all – adding in an occasional dance.
Boiling the experience down to that sentence seems such a disservice, yet how to really capture it even with many, many words?
What I Came Away With
Something that came up in the conversation I had while sitting in the shade was that there are several people in India that have achieved Enlightenment. However, most of them don’t try to share that with the world – their focus is on their own journey. And that’s fine. What is remarkable about Sadhguru is not only has he shared that possibility with us all, but the extent of it is incredible.
What is being created in McMinnville, TN, is a conscious city. He has already created something similar in India. The intent is that the people there are actively working at living a full-fledge life – something that should probably be natural to us, but we are mired in distraction and illusion.
One of the things Sadhguru said was that it is important for people, especially the next generation, to know that this sort of place exists and is possible. I am grateful that the foundation he has created is doing this work. There is a different feel to a place when the people around you are engaging in their own inner work. I certainly experienced it during my day at the Institute of Inner-sciences.
It’s not perfect, but in that reaching for who we truly are there is less space to get entangled in what we are not.
When I tell people who know me now that I am an introvert, I get some funny looks. If I pause to think of it, even I am amazed at the transformation I have gone through over the years. And while I may be more talkative and engaged with people now, I still consider myself an introvert. Being alone is my normal. It is how I recharge. Spending time with my husband is the beautiful exception to this.
Growing Up Quiet
I am grateful to be an introvert. All the years that I spent cautiously watching the world around me was worth it, even though I remember feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.
In a lot of ways, I think introverts have potential to change the world in powerful ways. I feel that we are often more compassionate because of how we internalize things – it strengthens our ability to empathize with others.
Unfortunately, I think I lot of us get distracted by a world that may make us feel that something must be wrong with us if we don’t fit in.
A Breakthrough Question
One of the biggest breakthroughs I had was in the Landmark Forum where I uncovered the question that was operating in the background of my life: What is wrong with me?
It seems obvious now. That question was a filter over everything that happened in my life and I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Uncovering it was powerful because once I realized the question was distorting my view of things, I could catch it when it popped into my mind and not let it run the show. I could give the power back to my consciousness and not let the psychological auto-program run amok.
Teenage Journals and Quiet Counseling
Of course, I didn’t have that knowledge when I was a teenager. My journals from that time are painful to read as I can see how much I was struggling with feeling out of place in the world. I had a natural distrust of people, even friends, because I saw how they talked about each other and treated each other. I wrote in my journals and didn’t share much with anyone.
When I was in the ninth grade, I was sent to the guidance counselor’s office. It turns out that one of my teachers was concerned because I was very quiet in class. She thought that maybe something bad was going on in my home life. I can appreciate that the teacher cared and that if something had been going on, it may have helped me in some way, however, that was not the case so it was just awkward. After the one visit, I didn’t have to go back. Guess I was normal enough.
My quietness back then didn’t come from anything that anyone was doing to me. It was caution. I was afraid to interact with the world too deeply. Afraid that it would hurt me as I had seen it do to others.
Becoming More
My view of the world has changed drastically since that time.
Something within me always knew that I was meant to do more and so I have kept pushing myself. I have a vision of who I am. I enjoy people and their stories. I look for and find the good in so many things. I am grateful and excited to be alive.
My hope is that everyone can find this place within themselves.
