I had intended my novel “Goddess Game” to be released earlier this year in the fall, but I later recommitted to having it written by the end of the year. I had never assigned it a particular date up until that moment and, afterwards, getting it done became a little more real.
“Goddess Game” is a little different than my previous books in that it is written for middle-aged women – not teens or middle-graders. The idea for it got a hold on me and I really wanted to write it. I think the story is relatable and fun.
Thus, I declare my foray into chic lit! We’ll see how it goes.
Fiction Reflects Life (Or Is It the Other Way Around?)
It is interesting how often the things I am writing stories about have relevance in my life. When I was writing “Sentenced,” I felt like I was making decisions in my life that were showing up as either ticket games or talent games (i.e. money-oriented or soul-oriented if you haven’t read the story).
Now, I’m working on “Goddess Game” and seeing my own life reflected in much of what the main character, Bethany, is going through and learning. This development in my writing experience makes me a little wary of some of my upcoming book ideas. 😆
The Core Message of Goddess Game
The main theme of “Goddess Game” is that avoiding struggle may seem safe, but it leads to a life that doesn’t feel as satisfying as a life where you played fully and accepted losses and gains as both being wins. Loss is merely a lesson and that is a win because you gained knowledge and can use it going forward.
One of my favorite quotes is the last paragraph from “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” by Joseph Campbell:
“The modern hero, the modern individual who dares to heed the call and seek the mansion of that presence with whom it is our whole destiny to be atoned, cannot, indeed must not, wait for his community to cast off its slough of pride, fear, rationalized avarice, and sacrificed misunderstanding. ‘Live,’ Nietzsche says, ‘as though the day were here.’ It is not society that is to guide and save the creative hero, but precisely the reverse. And so every one of us shares the supreme ordeal – carries the cross of the redeemer – not in the bright moments of his tribe’s great victories, but in the silences of his personal despair.”
In my own life journey, I feel like I have tried to play it safe. Even with all the effort I have put in since April to create the foundation for my ideal life, I find that I hesitate in some areas that are important in truly making it all work.
Recently, I had the realization that maybe I don’t have to figure it all out myself. Perhaps it is time to partner with someone that actually knows what I would have to figure out by a lot of trial and error. So, I got that ball to rolling and everything was going really well until this past Saturday.
Cue My Dark Night of the Soul
I was sitting in the bed reading (part of my night routine) and I had this weird terror come across me. Was I taking too big of a step too soon? Should I somehow be more prepared? It was weird because even earlier that day I was confident that I would be able to meet my goals with no problem – just a little bit more focus and effort.
I was anxious enough that I decided to talk it out with my husband. I sort of hoped he would agree with me and then the pressure would be off. What happened instead was he looked at me and before I could even finish, he said. “No, you need to do this now.”
I was like, “Uh…you think so?”
And then he basically reminded me that I’ve put in the work, I’ve done my research, that I’ve reached a point in my journey where it makes sense to bring on others to help move me forward.
And then I realized what had happened and I smiled.
“Guess I’m having my dark night of the soul,” I said.
The Real Inner Villain
Really, I’ve done enough work that I did know that my inner villain was trying to win on this one. And sort of was winning. I recognized the fear as an indicator that I was about to step out of my comfort zone. That can lead to good things or not so good things and I was letting it get a grip on my mind.
Thankfully, I’m on this life journey with a pretty amazing partner.
So, am I still anxious? Yep.
Am I still going forward with my plans? Yep-yep.
Whether I win or lose, something new is available on the other side, and I’m ready to find out what it is.
There is an Isha Kriya Meditation where you inhale while thinking “I am not the body” and exhale while thinking “I am not even the mind.” You end with some “aums” and it is a nice, short reset for the day. I like to do it in the afternoon after I complete my yoga routine.
Even though I would agree that I am not the body, I do appreciate it and how it allows me to experience this life. Yoga has been my go-to over the years to get it tuned up after I have strayed from a disciplined path.
Flashback to My First Yoga Routine
I started doing yoga when I was nineteen and in college. I remember one of my professors talking about yoga as a spiritual process and I was all in. At that time in my life, I was rebelling against the religious doctrine I was raised in and hungry for options that felt more natural to me. The only problem was that in the mid to late 1990s, I didn’t really have a lot of yoga options to get me started. In those days, the public library was my main knowledge repository. It didn’t always offer up a lot as I was in a rural area, but it usually got me another step in the right direction.
The only book on yoga that I could find at that time was Richard Hittleman’s “Yoga: 28 Exercise Plan.” I love it and think the exercise plan is stellar. The only drawback is that it was published in 1969 and is certainly aimed at housewives so there is a lot of outdated weirdness about women and their roles referenced in the “thoughts for the day” sections. Otherwise, I find the program and the plan at the end so helpful that I cycled through the three routines every day for years before it began to fall out of habit.
What I love about Hittleman’s program is that after the three days, you have essentially stretched and massaged-by-movement all the parts of the body. That seems to do a body good.
Falling Out of Habit
It is interesting to note that the times when my body began to “thicken” and I had more weight than I liked or felt comfortable with was when I stopped doing this yoga program for long periods of time. I certainly felt this way after I went through basic law enforcement training (when I became a Park Ranger) and it seemed that there was no time or energy for that yoga program. I worked out and studied law. That was my life. I had to build up more muscle than I was used to.
I remember somebody telling me that I looked “swol” which has never actually been a goal of mine, but useful when you need to pass the Police Officer Physical Abilities Test. I never felt like I was able to establish any true routine after I became a Park Ranger and I didn’t even think about the missing yoga routines until I noticed my midsection thickening.
Now, I’m sure food, my age (over 40), stress, and other hereditary factors probably played a part in that, but the thicker I am, the less that I feel like myself. I also felt that my mobility was hindered by the extra-ness and that my body felt tight in general.
Back to Basics—with Breath and Stretch
Anyway, I’m not trying to sell anyone on this book (even though the plan is awesome!). Some folks might not even like it. (Sidenote: I never did a downward dog until I was in my 30s and finally attended an actual yoga class. That’s right – there are no downward dogs in that book! I do love the downward dog pose and am glad I came across it.)
In life, you learn to find what you like and piece things together in a way that works for you. I find myself coming back to Hittleman’s book and exercise plan as something foundational to my physical health and mobility.
When I began doing Shambhavi Mahamudra daily back in July, I really became aware of how tight my muscles had gotten and how I was limited in some of my stretching. The preliminary stretches I have to do prior to starting Shambhavi helped loosen up some of the tightness in my legs and lower back. I loved the improvement and sought more.
The first 40 days of Shambhavi Mahamudra I committed to and performed the kriya twice a day – in the morning and in the evening. After the 40 days, I was only required to do the kriya in the morning. However, since I was accustomed to preserving that time in the evening, I decided to fill it with the Hittleman yoga program. I started the book again as if I never did it before and have been working through the three day cycle plan as I did in my college days.
The Vehicle of Awareness
That was a lot of preface for this:
My body is my vehicle in this world and I know its chemistry can have an effect on my mood if I am not giving it the best fuel or keeping it maintained. It is a part of being a human that takes some effort to learn what works for you and what works against you. I’m still sorting through a lot and it can be difficult to isolate or decipher what causes what due to the overwhelming number of things that can affect the body.
Intuition can be a useful tool.
In short, I find that it is worth the work.
I am fascinated by and enjoy feeling the movement of muscles in my legs and arms and fingers and toes as I do things. There is so much that the body does on auto-pilot (breathing, pumping blood, digesting food, managing hormones and other internal chemistry). It is pretty freakin’ cool that we get to use it to experience this planet and interact with one another.
I am not the body, but I do love it, even in my sometimes perceived imperfection.
Well, eek! I missed my Tuesday posting this week. I thought I had something scheduled to post and I did not. It works out well, however, as I had a little adventure on Monday to share.
The Invitation
I received an email in August from Isha Foundation, letting me know that Sadhguru would be at the Isha Institute of Inner-sciences in Tennessee on September 23, 2024. I was immediately excited because Tennessee isn’t terribly far and having an opportunity to see Sadhguru in person seemed like a special treat that I might not have access to very often. The email stated that they would send out information about registering when details were available.
I began thinking about going and how to make it work. I spoke to my husband and he thought it would be cool for me to go. We looked at the distance and how long it would take to get to the Isha Institute in TN.
I had two routes.
One was an 8-hour drive that took me through Atlanta, GA. That wasn’t very appealing. (If you have ever driven in Atlanta traffic, you understand why.)
The other route took me through NC—which just so happened to take me through Maggie Valley, where my sisters and I co-own a camper we inherited from our grandmother.
The route through NC would take nearly 8 hours as well, but I could easily break it in half by leaving the day before, resting overnight at the camper, and then leaving early the next morning. This not only seemed doable, but ideal. So, I just had to wait for registration to open.
In the meantime, I watched a vlog to get a feel for what to expect when I got there. It all looked awesome. The certainty of going was forming, but I was also busy with projects and attempting to meet my deadlines and such.
Doubt Creeps In
When I received the registration email, I began to question whether I had time to make the trip.
Was it really necessary to see Sadhguru in person? My husband and I would have to figure out dog care. I would be going by myself and I have a history of falling asleep at the wheel if I am too tired – and I might get to that point since the event would last until 8 PM CST and I would still have to drive the 4 hours back to the camper. On and on, the reasons came to make me question myself. I was really close to not going.
I talked to my husband about it and my concerns. He reminded me how excited I had been when I learned about the opportunity. We talked through various possibilities, including me flying out instead of driving, but that just seemed like an over-complication of things.
Thankfully, I eventually realized that the life I am creating for myself had the freedom to do things like go see Sadhguru.
I registered, paid for two meals to eat there since I would be spending the entire day at the event. Everything else fell into place. My mom would come over to take care of Ridley (her grand-pupper) in the afternoon.
I felt very relaxed and calm Sunday before I left around 3 PM. The drive to Maggie Valley, NC, was smooth. I listened to an awesome podcast all the way there and enjoyed the feel of freedom and possibility that was unfolding around me. Breaking out of my routine felt like it was opening me up.
Ideas were flowing and I was getting excited about getting back to work after the event and putting these ideas into practice.
Arriving at Isha: A Day of Stillness and Surprise
Monday morning I woke up at 4 AM, completed my Shambhavi Mahamudra, showered, ate a light snack for breakfast, tanked up the car, and drove the 4 hours to McMinnville, TN.
My Day at Isha Institute of Inner-sciences:
Entering the Abode
I entered the Abode and sat on an available cushion and meditated with the others there. You could come and go as you wished. The Abode was filled with light incense and rhythmic chanting/singing. As I sat there, cross-legged and eyes closed, I wondered if I really belonged there. I had the thought that everyone around me was probably more in tune with themselves and better meditators. I let that idea go and just committed myself to staying there and enjoying the experience. When I finally left, I felt a stillness that I hadn’t noticed when I was sitting but became apparent when I was back in a crowd of people.
Silent Brunch
When I left the Abode, it was time for brunch, the first meal that I had purchased for the day. They had sliced cucumbers, a delicious soup, an apple, and some sort of thick pudding that was sweet and spicy at the same time. The meal was eaten in silence. I loved it.
Bluff Views and Cozy Conversations
I had a lot of time before any other events were happening, so I went for a walk to the bluffs. It was a decent incline to get to the top, but not too bad. I did have on a light long-sleeved shirt, though, and I began to feel quite warm. When I came down from the bluffs (it was a very pretty view), I found a spot to sit in the shade.
I took out a notebook and pen I had brought and made some notes about ideas I had and plans to implement. I didn’t do this for very long, though, because I felt drawn to just be present where I was and not get pulled back into my normal thinking. I had a wonderful conversation with someone who sat near me.
We talked for quite a while about a variety of inner-beingness topics. I feel terrible that I talked to her for so long and did not even get her name. I was quite inspired by her joyous nature and what she shared with me of her journey.
The Wait for Sadhguru
I decided to leave the safety of the shade to claim a spot in the garden where Sadhguru would be speaking from 6PM-8PM. It was still only 3:30PM at that time and I was tired, so I spent this time in a mix of resting and chatting occasionally with the people around me.
Darshan: A Presence Felt
When Sadhguru showed up, the change in the energy of the crowd was palpable.
Truly, I was almost more transfixed on what was going on with them than on his arrival – which I had to watch on a screen because we were sitting on a grassy hill and the people in front of me were standing and he wasn’t visible to me otherwise.
Several people began crying.
As everything settled, we all sat in silence for a while before he spoke. We were then inspired by the words of Sadhguru for 2.5 hours and, afterwards, he walked around the crowd with palms together as if blessing us all – adding in an occasional dance.
Boiling the experience down to that sentence seems such a disservice, yet how to really capture it even with many, many words?
What I Came Away With
Something that came up in the conversation I had while sitting in the shade was that there are several people in India that have achieved Enlightenment. However, most of them don’t try to share that with the world – their focus is on their own journey. And that’s fine. What is remarkable about Sadhguru is not only has he shared that possibility with us all, but the extent of it is incredible.
What is being created in McMinnville, TN, is a conscious city. He has already created something similar in India. The intent is that the people there are actively working at living a full-fledge life – something that should probably be natural to us, but we are mired in distraction and illusion.
One of the things Sadhguru said was that it is important for people, especially the next generation, to know that this sort of place exists and is possible. I am grateful that the foundation he has created is doing this work. There is a different feel to a place when the people around you are engaging in their own inner work. I certainly experienced it during my day at the Institute of Inner-sciences.
It’s not perfect, but in that reaching for who we truly are there is less space to get entangled in what we are not.
When I tell people who know me now that I am an introvert, I get some funny looks. If I pause to think of it, even I am amazed at the transformation I have gone through over the years. And while I may be more talkative and engaged with people now, I still consider myself an introvert. Being alone is my normal. It is how I recharge. Spending time with my husband is the beautiful exception to this.
Growing Up Quiet
I am grateful to be an introvert. All the years that I spent cautiously watching the world around me was worth it, even though I remember feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.
In a lot of ways, I think introverts have potential to change the world in powerful ways. I feel that we are often more compassionate because of how we internalize things – it strengthens our ability to empathize with others.
Unfortunately, I think I lot of us get distracted by a world that may make us feel that something must be wrong with us if we don’t fit in.
A Breakthrough Question
One of the biggest breakthroughs I had was in the Landmark Forum where I uncovered the question that was operating in the background of my life: What is wrong with me?
It seems obvious now. That question was a filter over everything that happened in my life and I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Uncovering it was powerful because once I realized the question was distorting my view of things, I could catch it when it popped into my mind and not let it run the show. I could give the power back to my consciousness and not let the psychological auto-program run amok.
Teenage Journals and Quiet Counseling
Of course, I didn’t have that knowledge when I was a teenager. My journals from that time are painful to read as I can see how much I was struggling with feeling out of place in the world. I had a natural distrust of people, even friends, because I saw how they talked about each other and treated each other. I wrote in my journals and didn’t share much with anyone.
When I was in the ninth grade, I was sent to the guidance counselor’s office. It turns out that one of my teachers was concerned because I was very quiet in class. She thought that maybe something bad was going on in my home life. I can appreciate that the teacher cared and that if something had been going on, it may have helped me in some way, however, that was not the case so it was just awkward. After the one visit, I didn’t have to go back. Guess I was normal enough.
My quietness back then didn’t come from anything that anyone was doing to me. It was caution. I was afraid to interact with the world too deeply. Afraid that it would hurt me as I had seen it do to others.
Becoming More
My view of the world has changed drastically since that time.
Something within me always knew that I was meant to do more and so I have kept pushing myself. I have a vision of who I am. I enjoy people and their stories. I look for and find the good in so many things. I am grateful and excited to be alive.
My hope is that everyone can find this place within themselves.
I like to think of myself as a minimalist. To an extent, that is true. Back in 2010, I got rid of most of my belongings to the point that I could fit everything I owned into my car (a Honda Fit – cute, eh?).
Since then, I have fluctuated between gathering things to me and then paring down again later on. When I got married in March 2016, I gathered to me a husband, a dog, and an apartment full of stuff. My husband, the dog, and I have pared down a couple of times since then, but the process and experience of this expanding and contracting has caused me to re-evaluate what my relationship with “stuff” is.
Simple Isn’t About Quantity
I find that I don’t mind buying things and increasing the quantity of things I own if the items are useful. Living simply for me has become less about the quantity of stuff and more about the quality of it.
This is one of those things that seems obvious when I think about it, however, I have done my fair share of spending on stuff that seemed cool in the moment and then end up sitting somewhere and collecting dust and then being donated or sold at a loss because it served no tangible purpose.
I’m not saying I beat myself up over not using my money in the best ways, but when I realize that I haven’t, it makes me want to be more conscious in my choices.
Choosing with Purpose
To bring consciousness to my choices, I have to have some way to measure whether something is worthy of purchase or keeping. I want my dollars to serve my long-term life goals and not just my whims (which can be too easily manipulated by colorful advertising and catchy phrases).
And I don’t want clutter.
For me, I look at what my perfect day or perfect life would be like and see how the item fits into that vision.
I find it is also a good place to operate from as far as what I am willing to take on in my life. It gives me a good marker to determine when to say no to people and when to move forward with an idea. Very empowering when your time and resources are limited.
Simplicity Is Power (and Creative Fuel)
And, when your time and resources are limited and you’re in the mode of keeping things simple, I find you get really creative in how you get things done. Keeping things simple becomes maximizing what is available for the best result. That is the awesome sauce, people!
If you are an evolving person, and learning and growing, you are going to expand your life and things will try to get complicated. But, when I look at what I want my life to be, a lot of the distractions fall away because they don’t line up with that vision and it becomes simple and manageable.
I like that. And I’m grateful for my daily reminder.
I am more and more present to the fact that people have a really hard time being objective in their life and realizing what they need to do in order to help them get to a place where they feel fulfilled. I am not saying this like I have it all figured out, but I often see people stuck and making the same mistakes over and over and not getting any closer to the things they claim they want for their life and that makes me feel like something might be missing for them. Maybe they don’t see how they are caught up in a cycle or know how to get out.
I suppose I have been as guilty as most people in this and I have also found ways to get me back on track. I thought I would share a generalized version for the benefit of all:
Pay Attention to How You Feel
If you feel any negative emotion (sad, angry, frustrated), then you are probably off track with your purpose in life.
Nothing wrong with that. You just have to get to a point where you are present enough to acknowledge that you are off track. Realize it so that you can do something about it.
If you are feeling great and/or better and better every day, you are probably moving in the right direction. However, if you are off track, you are going to want to get back on track as soon as possible.
How do you do that?
Establish a Life Vision
You need some idea of what you want your life to look like.
You need a destination.
This destination or goal may be obvious to you or it may not. It took me a while to figure out what my ideal life would be and it is actually a pretty simple one. You can also use how you feel to hone in on this. If the vision excites you or makes you feel peaceful and content, you are probably in alignment with the direction you need to be heading.
Once you have this vision or goal in mind, you have a guide for your life. You can make decisions based on if it gets you closer to your goal or helps you learn something that will get you closer. Once you have this vision, if you can hold onto it and the feeling you get from thinking about it, you will undoubtedly want to take actions that move you towards it.
Whenever I am feeling off track – sad, angry, frustrated – I re-orient myself towards my goal. I don’t beat myself up for being off track. I don’t blame others for getting me off track. I just try to figure out what happened so that I can avoid that in the future. Then, I figure out what I need to do to get myself back on track, even if it is the teeniest, tiniest step.
Think and Plan
A vision is essential—but you also need strategy and structure.
That might mean:
Learning new skills
Budgeting for investments in yourself
Seeking out role models who’ve done what you want to do
You don’t have to copy anyone else’s path. But seeing how others got there gives you options—and confidence. And when something doesn’t work, you adapt.
Keep thinking. Keep learning. Keep adjusting.
Take Action
Do what you can and the more you do, the more you will find that you can do.
Progress compounds.
Act from a Place of Love
This is important to me and I think it is an important thing to implement in order to reduce drama in your life so that you can focus on your life vision.
For me, I realize that I have no control over how people react to anything I do, but I know that if I am acting from a place of love in my actions, then whatever someone else’s reaction is, it came from something in them – that they are projecting something onto me.
That doesn’t mean I ignore it or tell them they are wrong. Most times I just hear what they say and try to get why they interpreted it that way. Usually, there is nothing to do but tell them that I am sorry that what I said or did made them feel that way and mean it.
As an introvert, I have often felt alienated and outside the norm and I would not want to do something that would make someone feel less than the awesome that they are. Sometimes that is enough, sometimes not. This is not always easy and the places and people where it is most difficult are likely the places where you can learn and grow.
Real Talk: Cycles Will Still Cycle
I suppose there is a lot more that I can say about all this, but the intention here was to keep it basic and, hopefully, still useful.
I would love to see what the world would look like if people were all spiraling upward towards the life they want to live. I don’t think it would be perfect all the time. We would all still cycle through ups and downs. It is the contrast of things, after all, that help us distinguish the good from the not so good.
I do think we would be more productive, though, and efficient. Not that I think we would be working all the time either, or, if we were, it wouldn’t feel like work. We would all be creating and adding to the world and enjoying the game, the challenge, and the beauty of becoming something more than what we were the day before.
Need a Little Guidance on Your Journey?
My friend Dave Baldwin and I created the 30 Day Experiment: The Life Quest Playbook as a way for folks to work through some of the things we have encountered over our years of self help exploration. You can find it on in my shop or on Amazon.
