When I tell people who know me now that I am an introvert, I get some funny looks. If I pause to think of it, even I am amazed at the transformation I have gone through over the years. And while I may be more talkative and engaged with people now, I still consider myself an introvert. Being alone is my normal. It is how I recharge. Spending time with my husband is the beautiful exception to this.
Growing Up Quiet
I am grateful to be an introvert. All the years that I spent cautiously watching the world around me was worth it, even though I remember feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.
In a lot of ways, I think introverts have potential to change the world in powerful ways. I feel that we are often more compassionate because of how we internalize things – it strengthens our ability to empathize with others.
Unfortunately, I think I lot of us get distracted by a world that may make us feel that something must be wrong with us if we don’t fit in.
A Breakthrough Question
One of the biggest breakthroughs I had was in the Landmark Forum where I uncovered the question that was operating in the background of my life: What is wrong with me?
It seems obvious now. That question was a filter over everything that happened in my life and I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Uncovering it was powerful because once I realized the question was distorting my view of things, I could catch it when it popped into my mind and not let it run the show. I could give the power back to my consciousness and not let the psychological auto-program run amok.
Teenage Journals and Quiet Counseling
Of course, I didn’t have that knowledge when I was a teenager. My journals from that time are painful to read as I can see how much I was struggling with feeling out of place in the world. I had a natural distrust of people, even friends, because I saw how they talked about each other and treated each other. I wrote in my journals and didn’t share much with anyone.
When I was in the ninth grade, I was sent to the guidance counselor’s office. It turns out that one of my teachers was concerned because I was very quiet in class. She thought that maybe something bad was going on in my home life. I can appreciate that the teacher cared and that if something had been going on, it may have helped me in some way, however, that was not the case so it was just awkward. After the one visit, I didn’t have to go back. Guess I was normal enough.
My quietness back then didn’t come from anything that anyone was doing to me. It was caution. I was afraid to interact with the world too deeply. Afraid that it would hurt me as I had seen it do to others.
Becoming More
My view of the world has changed drastically since that time.
Something within me always knew that I was meant to do more and so I have kept pushing myself. I have a vision of who I am. I enjoy people and their stories. I look for and find the good in so many things. I am grateful and excited to be alive.
My hope is that everyone can find this place within themselves.
This past weekend I received the transmission of Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya through Sadhguru and The Isha Institute. I’m not sure what I was expecting to get from it. Perhaps I hoped to be more focused or clear of mind. What I got that surprised me is a sense of peace and the feel of time slowing down around me.
When we are present in each moment, there is joy in being alive and the possibility that creates.
I find it amusing that as I take on stories to write that I begin to see similar lessons or challenges in my own life. My characters and I work through our issues in tandem. It’s the same with Goddess Game. Bethany, the main character, has taken the safe path her entire life. She’s not particularly unhappy, but bored and wishing her life was more. Of course, to make that leap, she has to do the internal work she has been avoiding.
In that respect, Bethany and I are different. I haven’t avoided the internal work. I was just making it so much harder than it needed to be.
I just published “Sentenced” and I’m already fleshing out my outline for “Goddess Game” so I can begin drafting it over the next few weeks. After “Goddess Game,” I have several more books lined up in the creative pipeline. Many of these book ideas I have had for years. I’ve done a lot of work in the past freewriting about them and creating outlines.
Why am I only finishing them now? What has changed?
The Fog Before the Flow
I spent a good part of 2023 (and probably 2022, if I’m being honest) feeling that while I had gotten myself in a job situation that felt secure and where I had a certain amount of autonomy, it also kept me a bit stressed. I did not have a consistent schedule and it was difficult for me to try to do the things that I wanted to do in my personal time because I felt like I had to decompress from the job and then figure out what I needed to do towards my creative aspirations. My mind was in a fog most of the time and I realized that something needed to change if I was going to make any headway in my life goals.
Getting Help, Finally
I was constantly looking at people who were doing something similar to what I wanted to do and people who were doing what they wanted to do in general – the types of careers that seemed to be true self-expression. I kept seeing over and over that many successful people had mentors or coaches to help them along the way. I talked it over with my husband and decided that I was committed to completing my books and to that end I would find a writing coach.
When I first started looking for a writing coach, I kept coming across people who wanted to help with editing or actual writing. That didn’t feel right to me. That is not what I felt I needed help with. I wanted to find someone who had already been down the path I wanted to go on so that they could help me stay on that path and actually get projects completed. I intuitively knew that there was something I couldn’t see about myself that was in the way and I needed someone to help me see it.
The Write On Purpose Shift
Back in 2019, I had participated in an experimental writing group organized by W. Bradford Swift. I remember writing a bit, but not getting much done in the short time I was a part of the group. However, as I was looking for a writing coach, it popped into my mind that W. Bradford Swift had mentioned something about being a writing coach. I went to his website and saw that was still the case and immediately requested an initial consult.
After speaking with W. Bradford Swift, I felt strongly that this was the route to go. Not only had he published over 30 books, but he had over 30 years’ experience being a life coach. The fact that he had merged those life coach skills into a Write On Purpose program seemed like a great fit.
My Write on Purpose journey began in November 2023. I published “The Resurrection Incident” by the end of December 2023. “Sentenced” only took as long as it did because of a lot of life changes in early 2024, including my husband and I moving to another state in April.
So, What Changed?
So, what has the Write on Purpose process changed within me that has me moving and shaking (and typing)? It has helped me uncover the purpose behind my writing and is helping me stay present to it. It has helped me uncover indicators of when I am on track and when I might be heading off into distraction-ville.
And, I know this process is working because I’m still writing and completing projects. It’s a great feeling. I have so, so many more to go.
I have noticed a phenomenon over the past decade or so of my life. It’s a strange feeling of growing backwards – or possibly realigning with a past version of myself in a new and more empowered way. It’s as if my life experience scooped out or buried part of who I am and I have since been in the process of filling that back up or uncovering it (choose your metaphor preference).
Wisdom I Wasn’t Ready For (Yet)
It brings to mind an experience I had during my early twenties. One of my professors recommended that I read “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse. I did, expecting a great expansion of mind and consciousness. Instead, I was annoyed. Siddhartha had all the knowledge at his fingertips, but he left and did a bunch of stuff that seemed not useful to me. In the end, he found enlightenment but I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just learn it from his teachers and not have to go through a bunch of muck. (I know, I know. I was young and I liked to experience life from the safety of stories.)
In my early thirties, I finally understood the importance of actual experience in the world. I had a major shift in my life around that time. I ended a marriage with the only man I had ever dated (an eleven-year relationship). I sold nearly everything I had except what I could cram into my Honda Fit and I moved from South Carolina to North Carolina where I knew a handful of people I met in some self-development programs.
It has been quite a journey.
Expansion in the Spin
The few years I spent sort of free-falling and spinning my wheels were a time of incredible learning. It was often stressful because even though my natural inclination is to go with the flow and trust in myself and abilities, I didn’t have enough confidence to continue to follow that. I allowed myself to bend under what I thought was the knowledge of others. Their certainty made me doubt myself. In the end, I chose the safety of returning to “normal.”
It may not sound sexy, but going back to being normal (this basically boils down to taking on a steady job in my case) was a great choice for me. It allowed me to take full control of my life. That was around 2012 and since then I have gained the confidence in myself that I felt was missing before. And my life has gotten steadily better. Not perfect, but I fully know that I am capable. I know that if I fail at something, I can just reassess and keep moving.
Reclaiming My Younger Self
So what does all of this have to do with evolving backwards?
What I’ve noticed is that part of the expansion of my life is in letting go of past angers, it is putting back into place habits that served me so well in the past that it is mind-boggling that I ever stopped them. It is getting back to that place of joy and curiosity that fed my creativity as a younger Sheila. It is spending time with my family and loved ones without worrying about what needs to get done. It is about living into each moment as best I can and loving it.
In a lot of ways, it is like becoming a child again. Or, at least childlike.
I recently moved back to South Carolina. After the move, I’ve been going through old journals, old files, seeing what I’ve accumulated over the past fourteen years. I’m often astounded at how much smarter I was in my teen years and early twenties. I knew so much, but I didn’t have the experience yet to really understand it. I was also kinda naïve and silly as well.
The cool thing is that here I am feeling my soul vibrating back in resonance with the Sheila that thought her life would look a lot different than it has. It is as if this pulsing of energy is shaking off all the blockages that separated us from what we dreamed could be. We can be the best of both of us.
I’m sure many of us have thought about our younger selves, “If I knew then, what I know now…” The thing is we know it now and what are we doing with it? What will I do with it?
I created the graphic below years ago when I was a raw foodist and making my first attempt at being a writer and creator full time.
It still makes me smile each time I see it. Hopefully, you are at least mildly amused. I ate a lot of bananas in those days.
I’m not saying that procrastination has disappeared from my experience. Sometimes it takes me longer to recognize it than I would like to admit. However, once noticed, I have found ways to squirm my way out of its sneaky grip.
Fear in Disguise
I personally find that I procrastinate most often because I am afraid to start something and not do it well. Or, I think that I will waste time doing it wrong and have to start over. So instead of beginning, I end up playing mental chess with myself—trying to foresee every move before I make it.
Spoiler: That’s not how creativity works. Or life, really.
Just Look It Up
One time I told a friend I was stuck on a scene because I didn’t know much about the topic. They stared at me and said, “Just look it up.”
I wanted it to be harder than that. It wasn’t.
That’s when I remembered: We don’t have to figure it all out alone. Between books, articles, podcasts, videos, and actual conversations with smart people, there’s an abundance of help at our fingertips.
Of course, there’s also the danger of falling into an eternal research spiral. (Ask me about my deep dive into obscure types of rope knots. Or don’t.) I’ve found that setting a timer for research helps. When it dings, I get back to the page—even if I don’t feel “ready.”
My Secret Weapon
Want to know what really kicks me into gear?
My husband.
He’s one of those magical creatures who just does stuff.
He doesn’t worry if it’s perfect. He doesn’t plan himself into a corner. He sees what needs doing and then… does it.
Watching him helps me remember that action doesn’t have to be fearless—it just has to start.
And if it doesn’t go as planned? I can pivot. I can adapt. I can learn.
Structure, Lists, and Shifting Landscapes
I’ve also learned to lean into planning and structure.
Time blocks, lists, and small achievable goals give me just enough accountability to bypass perfectionism. It’s not always about massive output—it’s about showing up and seeing what happens.
And in the end, I find the creative process to be an ongoing journey in which the terrain changes, I change, and the days are a mix of visiting new and old pathways—each freshly wonderful in what they show me of life.
I have been looking through some of the old photo albums my grandma has in her house. I don’t know a lot of people in the really old black and white pictures and it is interesting to try to figure out their personalities based on their expressions and posture and such.
Many of the people I do recognize. My grandma is there with a young version of my grandfather who passed away when I was in high school. Grandma’s brothers and sisters are there, too. And then there is my dad and his brother Henry and his deceased sister Kathy.
What I Realized About My Dad
I find it particularly interesting to see younger pictures of my dad. It makes me realize that I know very little about him. Sure, I’ve heard stories about his childhood, but I look at the pictures and I wonder what dreams did this boy have? Perhaps I should ask him.
When I sift through the memories of my dad, something is there I can’t quite put my finger on. My mom was a much more dominant presence in the family. Still is. Thinking about it, it seems that my dad represents strength to me and solidarity. He has physical strength for sure, but I also think of him as the man who never cries. When you’re tough (or strong), you don’t cry, right? (I actually believed that for a really long time).
A Childhood Memory: Our Beach Trip
Anyway, seeing the pictures of my dad and thinking about our relationship over the years reminded me of a poem I wrote quite a while back. Thought I would share it.
Beach Trip The waves seemed higher when I was five or six.
My sister and I would go out as far as our toes could touch the shifting sand.
It was a family event – the beach, the sandy towels, Grandma’s old camper with the bunk bed at the front where I snuggled each night in its dark, secure crevice.
Each morning we’d run out to water with buckets and yelps, and salty breath.
Mom would stretch out in the open to catch the sun.
On rare occasions, my dad would venture with us and we’d press ourselves further into the deep.
The big waves would come, rolling and pushing us under and apart.
My dad’s strong hands held our fragile wrists firmly,
and we bobbed in the vastness of the ocean –
laughing, and unfearing.
Share Your Family Memories
Do you have a favorite memory of your dad? Or maybe a beach trip that lives in your bones the way this one does in mine? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments.
Writing this brought back a wave (pun 100% intended) of feelings—nostalgia, gratitude, and a touch of wonder at how our memories shape us. Thank you for taking this little trip with me.
