My birthday is in October. It has become a time of self reflection and making plans for the upcoming year. This birthday felt a bit different, even though I still reflected and began planning. After all, I am in this space of allowing God’s will to guide my life and choices. I am also in a space of building discernment to only “hear the Shepherd.” That way, I can trust the nudges and guidance I receive.
What I am noticing is that as my path becomes clearer, I am able to let go of things that I thought would be a big part of my future work. And, I don’t even regret that. It doesn’t feel like loss. It feels like gathering my forces in a way that allows me to be stronger in what I do going forward.
Earlier this year, I was thinking of shifting my creative plans with the seasons, but then immediately got caught up in wanting to get things done because I felt a weird urgency about it. I’m starting to see that feeling as a red flag. It reminds me of all the training we had when working for the state about data security and email phishing attempts. Any time someone is trying to make you fearful or create a sense of urgency in a response, that is one of the main times you should really stop and look at the email to make sure things are legit. A feeling of urgency might get things done in certain situations (deadlines, etc.) but it is not how I want to operate in life.
I feel like my last few books were rushed because I thought the publishing and getting it out in the world was the goal. When I was reading through two of them recently to create audios, it was a little cringy. I wish I had taken more time in writing them better. I think the stories and structures are fine. I just wish the language and writing style were more polished.
These days I’m more in line with “slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”
Now that we are cruising our way through Fall, I find myself drawn back to the idea of creating by season. Right now, I am in a planning phase where I am creating outlines and preparing for the actual writing process that will start in December and continue over the winter months. I’m also creating some structures around all the various platforms and already-published books and such that I want (and need) to keep updated (even if just quarterly).
It really feels like I am building something that I can maintain in a confident, steadfast way. I like that.
It is shaping up to be a decent amount of work, but I don’t mind the toil. This is what I feel I was meant to do all along.
This past week has been fairly productive. I have recorded up to five chapters of “The Resurrection Incident.” I would likely be recording more today but my neighbor is having some trees trimmed and I don’t want to risk any of that background noise seeping into my audio.
That gave me a good reason to come to my blog and share a few updates on my journey. Everything feels like it going well and it seems like something new is emerging in my life – an unexpected, but fruitful path.
Something I have been working this past week are 2-page spreads for an illustrated version of my poem, “The Junkivore.”
When I say illustrated, I don’t mean that I am actually drawing characters or scenes. I thought that might be what I would do, but when I started to work on it, that seemed somewhat limiting. Instead, I ended up creating several surrealistic and abstract backgrounds that are evolving to, hopefully, reflect how the poem evolves as it goes along.
It has been a fun exercise in using various Procreate brushes and colors and effects. It also has me thinking about several other poems that I have in the works that I might want to do something similar with.
Other than that, I am enjoying taking care of the regular things of life – cooking new things, making small upgrades in our home, planning my garden, keeping my body active and strong.
In everything, a reaching and openness to God and His plan.
I have been quiet the past couple of weeks as I endeavor to make a practice of choosing God in each moment and determining what to do next. I was a little concerned that this seeming switch-up in future projects might confuse people. I also considered that some of my past writing might be encouraging or spreading “wrong” ideas because they stemmed from a confused understanding.
One thing I have noticed a lot lately is that many folks from various groups are becoming popular for sharing their testimonies and causing people in their groups to develop an interest in Jesus and God. I find it very uplifting and beautiful. It is almost as if God chose these people as ambassadors for their various tribes.
I wonder if that is what we (the folks that are getting nudged back to our Christian roots or discovering Christ for the first time-because there seems to be quite a bit of that at the moment) are now. Could our individual stories be what impacts those in our circle of similar-minded people?
I don’t feel particularly called to be an influencer on social media. And, while I have ideas for projects that are inline with my new mode of operation, I’m not going to disregard what I have already created. The type of people that enjoy my stories are my particular tribe and maybe they will be interested enough in my journey to take a peek at my personal writings here and decide to come along with me.
In the meantime, I am currently recording myself reading The Resurrection Incident and posting a chapter weekly on Substack, where I decided to share some of my creative works. My posts there go behind a paywall after eight months, but that is plenty of time for you to enjoy for free. You can also find the podcast of The Resurrection Incident chapters on:
I have been sitting with several realizations this week. The practice of saying “Thy Will Be Done” and not thinking about what I want to achieve has been causing some shifts in my life.
I have also noticed over the past few weeks that I have begun to question some of my daily habits and things that I have believed for a while. It has helped me remove several more layers of complication I had added to my life.
Whew.
I have often been nudged towards inner work, but I thought that was a work of personal discipline to clear or program myself. This inner work was often done with the idea that it would help me work towards my goals or cause me to be a better person or magnetize me towards my life vision (that I dutifully wrote out and over and over for a period of time in my life).
Now, I’m confronted with a simple truth. None of it was needed. And, it was opening doors to negative encounters. I was misled by the appearance of self-help and the potential to help others. It is quite insidious. The more you get entangled in the world of doing things yourself, the more distorted things get. Your “educated” mind starts to consider reality in more complex terms than what is truly is.
I’m quite clear now that all I need is God and Jesus and to allow God to work through me. Everything else takes care of itself. Honestly, it is such a relief.
I’m not going to beat myself up for going off path. I’m sort of appreciative of the lessons and how I can see how insidious the enemy is. Most of us are taught to see blatant evil and reject it. I wasn’t expecting to be taken off course under the pretense of what I thought was growing spirtually.
I suppose I was fortunate. While I dipped my toes in a lot of things that seemingly empowered me, I never went too far in any direction before getting distracted or losing interest.
Here’s a quick list (there may be more I’m not thinking about, but these stand out):
Self-hypnosis and talking to “guides”
I became a Reiki II practitioner. I only practiced on a fellow student and a couple other people, though. I don’t know why I lost interest, but I did (maybe divine influence?).
Kriya yoga
I had a deck of tarot cards that I pulled out maybe one or twice every couple years. I had to look up the meaning of the cards in a book each time. I just threw them away.
I have several cool stones and crystals. I never took the time to learn and remember what they “healed” or helped with. I didn’t use them to do any kind of “work” because I think I had a sense that it was weird and maybe not the best ever. For now, I am keeping them because they make a nice rock collection.
Various meditations that focused on me instead of God
Being predominantly concerned with self-expression over allowing the divine plan to express itself through me
The thing is, most of the above can help you in your life. But, they are all about our individual wills. Each of us gets to make a choice. Your will or God’s will.
I choose God.
This past week I have been contemplating how this changes my life at the moment. For one, I feel like I have to make a practice of being present to God more and enhancing my ability to discern His will. For another, I am already seeing that what I create may change.
It’s kinda fun. I’m interested to see what God has in store for me.
I have been observing an interesting occurrence in my life: I will often conclude that I should do something or try something after a long time of avoiding it. Then, that thing turns out to be what I should have been doing all along or I should have done when it first became apparent to me.
Why am I like this?
It’s one of those funny-not-funny sort of things. In hindsight, I wish I had taken the nudged-actions sooner, AND, I recognize that my mindset was not where it needed to be until it was.
To me, this has a humbling effect. I usually have exhausted my “figuring stuff out” capabilities before I am open to doing the things that I have been resisting. Then, life rolls smoothly until I starting figuring again and create resistance to what actually would keep me flowing along in the way that I enjoy flowing along.
I truly make things harder than they need to be sometimes.
After writing that, my mind automatically goes into trying to figure out to reduce my “stubborn” moments.
The thing is, I don’t think this is something for me to figure out. I think it is something to let go of – to surrender to.
The statement “thy will be done” is becoming my mantra more and more often. It is freeing in that it reminds me that I don’t have to figure everything out and I can get to a place of being humble more quickly. It is actually a refreshing position to operate from.
So, not only am I giving any stress or anxiety (or whatever) to God, but I am doing my best to allow whatever my part is in the divine plan to unfold without trying to assert what I think my part is.
That is all I got for this week, but it is a biggie. If you know, you know.
I like to think of myself as an efficient person. Once I’ve done something a few times, my mind naturally works out ways to streamline the process and get it done better and faster. Maybe most people are like this?
Somewhere along the way I have somehow developed an urgency to getting things done quickly. But, I don’t know why. Is it so I can sit around and do nothing or watch Netflix? Or, so I can do even more stuff?
Well, that mode of being can suck an elf (this is a The Tenth Kingdom book reference and not intended to be as inappropriate as it sounds – I think).
I remember when I became a raw foodist and making meals took a lot of preparation. Some things needed to soak for a while. I might have to dehydrate a snack for a day or two. I felt like I was washing dishes constantly. However, I did it all with a smile because I knew I was making choices that were going to benefit my health. It felt great. I’ve definitely lost some of that patience over the past decade.
I notice that sometimes I am annoyed at having to do mundane tasks. When I notice the annoyance, I instantly stop in my tracks and poke myself in the chest, and say, “Hey, girl… Don’t you love being able to live this life? Aren’t you grateful for the opportunity to be of service to yourself and others?” I always say yes, even if it might come off a little whiny. “Well, get it on with it.”
The thing is that there is joy in toil. I feel like we’ve been trained to think getting to a place where you can relax and do “nothing” is the goal. And, rest is necessary and I’m not trying to say that people should be work-a-holics by any means.
What I am saying is that we should slow down, be present, and enjoy all the things of life – even if they aren’t things that we particularly want to do.
I don’t want to tell anyone else what to do, of course, but that is what I am working at.
I can’t say I love cleaning the house, but I love that I have a house and that it is easily manageable for me. I don’t always love cooking whole food meals (often lots of steps and lots of dishes to wash), but I love feeling that what we are eating is nourishing us better than eating out.
I’m always surprised when I round a bend in my spiral upwards and realize that I was not quite as advanced as I thought I was (I really shouldn’t be surprised, though).
I think of it like changing the algorithm of my non-digital life. As I move forward and shift my awareness, new things show up in my life in the same way that new things show up in my social media feeds these days (though I try not to spend much time there).
I expect things to get more and more interesting. 😊
