I mentioned in a previous post (Evolving Backwards) that in 2012, I transitioned from freelancing to a job that provided a steady paycheck. This allowed me to take control of my life in a way that I hadn’t experienced before. The last time I had been single and working was when I was in college. Now I was single and, other than work, my time was my own. It was quite wonderful. I love learning new things and began qigong and reading more.
When I left South Carolina in 2009, I was a raw foodist. I stopped that lifestyle as it was a lot of work for me at the time and I had lost a great deal of muscle mass. While my mental clarity was amazing, I didn’t feel balanced and so began consuming cooked food again. In 2012, I decided to explore the idea of some sort of fusion between a cooked diet and a raw food diet. Perhaps I could find a middle ground that supported my mental awareness and my need to feel like I could carry my groceries. 😊
Delving back into the raw food world of things, I found out that there was going to be a raw food retreat in Arizona on my birthday in October. In my newfound freedom, I decided that I wanted to go.
A Birthday Trip to the Middle of Nowhere
Did it matter that I didn’t know anyone there? Did it matter that this was essentially a camping trip and I would have to take all my gear with me on the plane ride? Did it matter that I had only flown once before and that I had been with someone who had flown often to guide me along the way?
Nope. I was ready for adventure!
I purchased my ticket to the event. I then bought a small tent, a rucksack, and made my checklist for supplies. I managed to pack everything I needed into the rucksack. When the weekend came, I had a friend drop me off at the airport and I was on my way. I made it to Arizona and met up with others on the way to the event. We all boarded a van to be bussed out to the middle of nowhere. We got there, I put up my tent, and had a great time being by myself while being with others.
A couple of things about the event: It was hosted at a hot springs – bathing suits were optional. Outside of soaking, there were vendors and speakers. The two speakers were David Wolfe and David Wilcock. I hadn’t come across David Wilcock before the event, but I was definitely interested in the types of topics he covered.
One of the things that came up over the weekend was past life regression. I don’t remember how it came up, but it reminded me that it was something I wanted to explore. After the event, I came home and found a local hypnotherapist that also offered past life regressions. I admit I was a little skeptical about what might happen during the regression. I was also worried that it might not work on me.
The Doorway to Something… Very Blue
If I remember correctly, the process took a couple of hours. I do remember when the hypnotherapist guided me back to my most current birth. I didn’t see anything. Again, I was worried that it wasn’t working, but then it occurred to me that my most current birth had been pretty traumatic for me and my mom and that I probably was blocking that out. I mentioned that and we moved on. Part of the process was the hypnotherapist leading me down a hallway with multiple doors and I chose one to enter. This doorway would take me to a past life that was relevant to me in my current life.
A funny thing… My hypnotherapist was recording the regression so that he could send it to me afterwards and I would have it to listen to again if I ever wanted to. What I found out later was that when he went to prepare the recording to send to me, he found that the recording had shut off. When he called to tell me, he said it a little eerie because it stopped the moment I opened the door in this process. He didn’t have a back-up recorder going so all I have to go on are my “memories” of what I saw and the notes that he was taking that he typed up and sent to me.
Now what did I see when I went through that door?
It still amuses me. I don’t know what I was expecting, but when I went through the door, he had me look down at my feet and describe what I saw. I remember hesitating and almost laughing.
“That’s not human,” I finally said.
The feet I was looking down at appeared birdlike. They didn’t look like skinny chicken feet or anything, it was more like two thick toes and a back-claw. Weird, huh?
The hypnotherapist took me through different parts of this bird-person’s life.
Her name was Ahna. In the first scene, Ahna was wearing something like a flowing dress made of layers of light fabric and had a hat that resembled what you see on the bust of Nefertiti, but much, much bigger. She was blue and thin. Her face was flattish where her nose holes were and her eyes were larger than they would have been on a human face. Other than that, she appeared to have a body similarly-shaped to a human. I don’t remember anything particular about the hands. In the second scene, though, she was not wearing the dress or the hat and I could see what the hat had been covering, which was a shock of blue feathers that grew upwards and back sort of like a Native American headdress.
Over the years, I have tried to sketch out what she looked like and I have never been particularly happy about what I created.
From Regression to Resurrection (of a Character)
I had a need for a special character in my recent book, “Sentenced”, and Ahna seemed like a good fit. I decided to give drawing her one more go, but in a style that would mirror the playful and unusual nature of the book. This is what I came up with:
She’s cool.
(For those of you wondering if I wore a bathing suit or not in the hot springs…stop being nosy! 😄)
I just published “Sentenced” and I’m already fleshing out my outline for “Goddess Game” so I can begin drafting it over the next few weeks. After “Goddess Game,” I have several more books lined up in the creative pipeline. Many of these book ideas I have had for years. I’ve done a lot of work in the past freewriting about them and creating outlines.
Why am I only finishing them now? What has changed?
The Fog Before the Flow
I spent a good part of 2023 (and probably 2022, if I’m being honest) feeling that while I had gotten myself in a job situation that felt secure and where I had a certain amount of autonomy, it also kept me a bit stressed. I did not have a consistent schedule and it was difficult for me to try to do the things that I wanted to do in my personal time because I felt like I had to decompress from the job and then figure out what I needed to do towards my creative aspirations. My mind was in a fog most of the time and I realized that something needed to change if I was going to make any headway in my life goals.
Getting Help, Finally
I was constantly looking at people who were doing something similar to what I wanted to do and people who were doing what they wanted to do in general – the types of careers that seemed to be true self-expression. I kept seeing over and over that many successful people had mentors or coaches to help them along the way. I talked it over with my husband and decided that I was committed to completing my books and to that end I would find a writing coach.
When I first started looking for a writing coach, I kept coming across people who wanted to help with editing or actual writing. That didn’t feel right to me. That is not what I felt I needed help with. I wanted to find someone who had already been down the path I wanted to go on so that they could help me stay on that path and actually get projects completed. I intuitively knew that there was something I couldn’t see about myself that was in the way and I needed someone to help me see it.
The Write On Purpose Shift
Back in 2019, I had participated in an experimental writing group organized by W. Bradford Swift. I remember writing a bit, but not getting much done in the short time I was a part of the group. However, as I was looking for a writing coach, it popped into my mind that W. Bradford Swift had mentioned something about being a writing coach. I went to his website and saw that was still the case and immediately requested an initial consult.
After speaking with W. Bradford Swift, I felt strongly that this was the route to go. Not only had he published over 30 books, but he had over 30 years’ experience being a life coach. The fact that he had merged those life coach skills into a Write On Purpose program seemed like a great fit.
My Write on Purpose journey began in November 2023. I published “The Resurrection Incident” by the end of December 2023. “Sentenced” only took as long as it did because of a lot of life changes in early 2024, including my husband and I moving to another state in April.
So, What Changed?
So, what has the Write on Purpose process changed within me that has me moving and shaking (and typing)? It has helped me uncover the purpose behind my writing and is helping me stay present to it. It has helped me uncover indicators of when I am on track and when I might be heading off into distraction-ville.
And, I know this process is working because I’m still writing and completing projects. It’s a great feeling. I have so, so many more to go.
I have noticed a phenomenon over the past decade or so of my life. It’s a strange feeling of growing backwards – or possibly realigning with a past version of myself in a new and more empowered way. It’s as if my life experience scooped out or buried part of who I am and I have since been in the process of filling that back up or uncovering it (choose your metaphor preference).
Wisdom I Wasn’t Ready For (Yet)
It brings to mind an experience I had during my early twenties. One of my professors recommended that I read “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse. I did, expecting a great expansion of mind and consciousness. Instead, I was annoyed. Siddhartha had all the knowledge at his fingertips, but he left and did a bunch of stuff that seemed not useful to me. In the end, he found enlightenment but I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just learn it from his teachers and not have to go through a bunch of muck. (I know, I know. I was young and I liked to experience life from the safety of stories.)
In my early thirties, I finally understood the importance of actual experience in the world. I had a major shift in my life around that time. I ended a marriage with the only man I had ever dated (an eleven-year relationship). I sold nearly everything I had except what I could cram into my Honda Fit and I moved from South Carolina to North Carolina where I knew a handful of people I met in some self-development programs.
It has been quite a journey.
Expansion in the Spin
The few years I spent sort of free-falling and spinning my wheels were a time of incredible learning. It was often stressful because even though my natural inclination is to go with the flow and trust in myself and abilities, I didn’t have enough confidence to continue to follow that. I allowed myself to bend under what I thought was the knowledge of others. Their certainty made me doubt myself. In the end, I chose the safety of returning to “normal.”
It may not sound sexy, but going back to being normal (this basically boils down to taking on a steady job in my case) was a great choice for me. It allowed me to take full control of my life. That was around 2012 and since then I have gained the confidence in myself that I felt was missing before. And my life has gotten steadily better. Not perfect, but I fully know that I am capable. I know that if I fail at something, I can just reassess and keep moving.
Reclaiming My Younger Self
So what does all of this have to do with evolving backwards?
What I’ve noticed is that part of the expansion of my life is in letting go of past angers, it is putting back into place habits that served me so well in the past that it is mind-boggling that I ever stopped them. It is getting back to that place of joy and curiosity that fed my creativity as a younger Sheila. It is spending time with my family and loved ones without worrying about what needs to get done. It is about living into each moment as best I can and loving it.
In a lot of ways, it is like becoming a child again. Or, at least childlike.
I recently moved back to South Carolina. After the move, I’ve been going through old journals, old files, seeing what I’ve accumulated over the past fourteen years. I’m often astounded at how much smarter I was in my teen years and early twenties. I knew so much, but I didn’t have the experience yet to really understand it. I was also kinda naïve and silly as well.
The cool thing is that here I am feeling my soul vibrating back in resonance with the Sheila that thought her life would look a lot different than it has. It is as if this pulsing of energy is shaking off all the blockages that separated us from what we dreamed could be. We can be the best of both of us.
I’m sure many of us have thought about our younger selves, “If I knew then, what I know now…” The thing is we know it now and what are we doing with it? What will I do with it?
It’s not always easy to see the opportunity or good in each situation. I have been practicing the art of seeing everything that happens as something intended to help me. Even if it doesn’t appear to be the best thing ever, there is likely something for me to learn.
This little toon I drew several years ago is a fun reminder. If I remember correctly, I was drawing the baby with the mouth wide open and I got curious about what all you could identify in a mouth that wide. I did some quick research and this is the result.
For your amusement…
(and I feel the need to say that no babies cried this hard or were in this much distress in the making of this drawing). 🙂
I created the graphic below years ago when I was a raw foodist and making my first attempt at being a writer and creator full time.
It still makes me smile each time I see it. Hopefully, you are at least mildly amused. I ate a lot of bananas in those days.
I’m not saying that procrastination has disappeared from my experience. Sometimes it takes me longer to recognize it than I would like to admit. However, once noticed, I have found ways to squirm my way out of its sneaky grip.
Fear in Disguise
I personally find that I procrastinate most often because I am afraid to start something and not do it well. Or, I think that I will waste time doing it wrong and have to start over. So instead of beginning, I end up playing mental chess with myself—trying to foresee every move before I make it.
Spoiler: That’s not how creativity works. Or life, really.
Just Look It Up
One time I told a friend I was stuck on a scene because I didn’t know much about the topic. They stared at me and said, “Just look it up.”
I wanted it to be harder than that. It wasn’t.
That’s when I remembered: We don’t have to figure it all out alone. Between books, articles, podcasts, videos, and actual conversations with smart people, there’s an abundance of help at our fingertips.
Of course, there’s also the danger of falling into an eternal research spiral. (Ask me about my deep dive into obscure types of rope knots. Or don’t.) I’ve found that setting a timer for research helps. When it dings, I get back to the page—even if I don’t feel “ready.”
My Secret Weapon
Want to know what really kicks me into gear?
My husband.
He’s one of those magical creatures who just does stuff.
He doesn’t worry if it’s perfect. He doesn’t plan himself into a corner. He sees what needs doing and then… does it.
Watching him helps me remember that action doesn’t have to be fearless—it just has to start.
And if it doesn’t go as planned? I can pivot. I can adapt. I can learn.
Structure, Lists, and Shifting Landscapes
I’ve also learned to lean into planning and structure.
Time blocks, lists, and small achievable goals give me just enough accountability to bypass perfectionism. It’s not always about massive output—it’s about showing up and seeing what happens.
And in the end, I find the creative process to be an ongoing journey in which the terrain changes, I change, and the days are a mix of visiting new and old pathways—each freshly wonderful in what they show me of life.
