I love that journal writing was strongly encouraged when I was young. I have writings all the way back to when I was in junior high.
Nowadays, it’s easier than ever to go into a digital folder and read through my past entries. I call them “morning pages” and use this journaling as a way to clear my mind before working on a project. Today, I decided to review what I was writing at this time last year as so much has changed in my life since that time.
Then and Now
One thing that stood out was that I had just finished “The Resurrection Incident,” which I would publish late in December of last year. I was already planning to work on “Sentenced” as my next project. I had pondered working on “Goddess Game” and was even thinking of publishing it under a pen name as it is for adults and not my usual young adult age range.
This is interesting because I am close to finishing “Goddess Game” right now and plan to have it in the hands of beta readers within the week. It is a nice reminder that I am able to keep producing books. I don’t live with a concern that I won’t be able to finish. That’s kinda an important part for me in starting a writing career.
My confidence comes from the fact that I do enough preliminary work on the novel that I have no fear about getting it done. The writing of it just takes time. And, sometimes new ideas grow out of the actual writing. That is what really makes it fun!
A Life Realignment
Something else that stood out in my last-year journaling was that I had an internal/external battle going on with wanting to shift my life situation and not seeing a great way to do that. It is a bit wild to me how things began to shift from November of last year to February of this year (when I gave my notice at my job with a resignation date at the beginning of April).
Things took the biggest turn when my husband came home from his morning ruck on January 1st this year and said that maybe we should move to South Carolina. This was a surprising suggestion as we had determined in the past that we would probably stay in Raleigh, North Carolina or move towards the North Carolina mountains if we wanted a change. However, once that mental adjustment was made to South Carolina, lots of things began falling into place.
I called my mom and told her our plans and asked her to be on the lookout for a house for us (we were looking online, but my mom was local and it seems like she knows everybody). Turns out that my mom’s sister was planning to sell her house – it wasn’t even on the market yet – and when we came to look at it, it was perfect. From there, my husband and I were able to make everything else work and moved down to our new home in April of this year.
From Maze to Magic
These days, I’m more grateful than ever for where I am in life. I have a graphic that I made with a completed maze that says “You know the way, enjoy the journey.” This idea occurred to me one day and I want to stay present to it. I have it sublimated on the mousepad at my computer as well.
I have a tendency to think through everything and plan it all out and make a reminder list I can check off. And that certainly has its place. I can also see that when I open up to allow things beyond my control to show up, magic occurs that is even better than I imagined.
I’m glad I had the nudge to look back at my writings. I’m glad my husband and I fearlessly (ok, maybe we were a little nervous) ventured forth down a new path because it was not apparent it was going to happen at this time last year.
It makes me wonder what is beyond other areas I feel nervous about. I am certainly curious and have my pokey stick on standby. 🙂
I had intended my novel “Goddess Game” to be released earlier this year in the fall, but I later recommitted to having it written by the end of the year. I had never assigned it a particular date up until that moment and, afterwards, getting it done became a little more real.
“Goddess Game” is a little different than my previous books in that it is written for middle-aged women – not teens or middle-graders. The idea for it got a hold on me and I really wanted to write it. I think the story is relatable and fun.
Thus, I declare my foray into chic lit! We’ll see how it goes.
Fiction Reflects Life (Or Is It the Other Way Around?)
It is interesting how often the things I am writing stories about have relevance in my life. When I was writing “Sentenced,” I felt like I was making decisions in my life that were showing up as either ticket games or talent games (i.e. money-oriented or soul-oriented if you haven’t read the story).
Now, I’m working on “Goddess Game” and seeing my own life reflected in much of what the main character, Bethany, is going through and learning. This development in my writing experience makes me a little wary of some of my upcoming book ideas. 😆
The Core Message of Goddess Game
The main theme of “Goddess Game” is that avoiding struggle may seem safe, but it leads to a life that doesn’t feel as satisfying as a life where you played fully and accepted losses and gains as both being wins. Loss is merely a lesson and that is a win because you gained knowledge and can use it going forward.
One of my favorite quotes is the last paragraph from “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” by Joseph Campbell:
“The modern hero, the modern individual who dares to heed the call and seek the mansion of that presence with whom it is our whole destiny to be atoned, cannot, indeed must not, wait for his community to cast off its slough of pride, fear, rationalized avarice, and sacrificed misunderstanding. ‘Live,’ Nietzsche says, ‘as though the day were here.’ It is not society that is to guide and save the creative hero, but precisely the reverse. And so every one of us shares the supreme ordeal – carries the cross of the redeemer – not in the bright moments of his tribe’s great victories, but in the silences of his personal despair.”
In my own life journey, I feel like I have tried to play it safe. Even with all the effort I have put in since April to create the foundation for my ideal life, I find that I hesitate in some areas that are important in truly making it all work.
Recently, I had the realization that maybe I don’t have to figure it all out myself. Perhaps it is time to partner with someone that actually knows what I would have to figure out by a lot of trial and error. So, I got that ball to rolling and everything was going really well until this past Saturday.
Cue My Dark Night of the Soul
I was sitting in the bed reading (part of my night routine) and I had this weird terror come across me. Was I taking too big of a step too soon? Should I somehow be more prepared? It was weird because even earlier that day I was confident that I would be able to meet my goals with no problem – just a little bit more focus and effort.
I was anxious enough that I decided to talk it out with my husband. I sort of hoped he would agree with me and then the pressure would be off. What happened instead was he looked at me and before I could even finish, he said. “No, you need to do this now.”
I was like, “Uh…you think so?”
And then he basically reminded me that I’ve put in the work, I’ve done my research, that I’ve reached a point in my journey where it makes sense to bring on others to help move me forward.
And then I realized what had happened and I smiled.
“Guess I’m having my dark night of the soul,” I said.
The Real Inner Villain
Really, I’ve done enough work that I did know that my inner villain was trying to win on this one. And sort of was winning. I recognized the fear as an indicator that I was about to step out of my comfort zone. That can lead to good things or not so good things and I was letting it get a grip on my mind.
Thankfully, I’m on this life journey with a pretty amazing partner.
So, am I still anxious? Yep.
Am I still going forward with my plans? Yep-yep.
Whether I win or lose, something new is available on the other side, and I’m ready to find out what it is.
There is an Isha Kriya Meditation where you inhale while thinking “I am not the body” and exhale while thinking “I am not even the mind.” You end with some “aums” and it is a nice, short reset for the day. I like to do it in the afternoon after I complete my yoga routine.
Even though I would agree that I am not the body, I do appreciate it and how it allows me to experience this life. Yoga has been my go-to over the years to get it tuned up after I have strayed from a disciplined path.
Flashback to My First Yoga Routine
I started doing yoga when I was nineteen and in college. I remember one of my professors talking about yoga as a spiritual process and I was all in. At that time in my life, I was rebelling against the religious doctrine I was raised in and hungry for options that felt more natural to me. The only problem was that in the mid to late 1990s, I didn’t really have a lot of yoga options to get me started. In those days, the public library was my main knowledge repository. It didn’t always offer up a lot as I was in a rural area, but it usually got me another step in the right direction.
The only book on yoga that I could find at that time was Richard Hittleman’s “Yoga: 28 Exercise Plan.” I love it and think the exercise plan is stellar. The only drawback is that it was published in 1969 and is certainly aimed at housewives so there is a lot of outdated weirdness about women and their roles referenced in the “thoughts for the day” sections. Otherwise, I find the program and the plan at the end so helpful that I cycled through the three routines every day for years before it began to fall out of habit.
What I love about Hittleman’s program is that after the three days, you have essentially stretched and massaged-by-movement all the parts of the body. That seems to do a body good.
Falling Out of Habit
It is interesting to note that the times when my body began to “thicken” and I had more weight than I liked or felt comfortable with was when I stopped doing this yoga program for long periods of time. I certainly felt this way after I went through basic law enforcement training (when I became a Park Ranger) and it seemed that there was no time or energy for that yoga program. I worked out and studied law. That was my life. I had to build up more muscle than I was used to.
I remember somebody telling me that I looked “swol” which has never actually been a goal of mine, but useful when you need to pass the Police Officer Physical Abilities Test. I never felt like I was able to establish any true routine after I became a Park Ranger and I didn’t even think about the missing yoga routines until I noticed my midsection thickening.
Now, I’m sure food, my age (over 40), stress, and other hereditary factors probably played a part in that, but the thicker I am, the less that I feel like myself. I also felt that my mobility was hindered by the extra-ness and that my body felt tight in general.
Back to Basics—with Breath and Stretch
Anyway, I’m not trying to sell anyone on this book (even though the plan is awesome!). Some folks might not even like it. (Sidenote: I never did a downward dog until I was in my 30s and finally attended an actual yoga class. That’s right – there are no downward dogs in that book! I do love the downward dog pose and am glad I came across it.)
In life, you learn to find what you like and piece things together in a way that works for you. I find myself coming back to Hittleman’s book and exercise plan as something foundational to my physical health and mobility.
When I began doing Shambhavi Mahamudra daily back in July, I really became aware of how tight my muscles had gotten and how I was limited in some of my stretching. The preliminary stretches I have to do prior to starting Shambhavi helped loosen up some of the tightness in my legs and lower back. I loved the improvement and sought more.
The first 40 days of Shambhavi Mahamudra I committed to and performed the kriya twice a day – in the morning and in the evening. After the 40 days, I was only required to do the kriya in the morning. However, since I was accustomed to preserving that time in the evening, I decided to fill it with the Hittleman yoga program. I started the book again as if I never did it before and have been working through the three day cycle plan as I did in my college days.
The Vehicle of Awareness
That was a lot of preface for this:
My body is my vehicle in this world and I know its chemistry can have an effect on my mood if I am not giving it the best fuel or keeping it maintained. It is a part of being a human that takes some effort to learn what works for you and what works against you. I’m still sorting through a lot and it can be difficult to isolate or decipher what causes what due to the overwhelming number of things that can affect the body.
Intuition can be a useful tool.
In short, I find that it is worth the work.
I am fascinated by and enjoy feeling the movement of muscles in my legs and arms and fingers and toes as I do things. There is so much that the body does on auto-pilot (breathing, pumping blood, digesting food, managing hormones and other internal chemistry). It is pretty freakin’ cool that we get to use it to experience this planet and interact with one another.
I am not the body, but I do love it, even in my sometimes perceived imperfection.
